I would like to reach out my hand
5 hours of sleep and am still up on my feet. I guess I had too much BARBEQUE and the greek tuna sandwich I ate for lunch yesterday probably made it worse. Food is our best intoxicator. Beside the crazy assholes in the world. Like the one I met last nyt --- he was full of himself he didn't notice a bunch of crap coming out of his pants. Hahaha. I admit sometimes I go looking for my sweet victim. I like to suck their brains out and remind them that this must not be the only life they have. It sucks that there was this guy named GOOGLE (that's his weird alias) that kindda got a little too much of the sucking. It was ok at first --- the usual whats ur name, age what you do questions which went well. Then the war began when he asked where I go to school. Of course I answered HOnEsTLy. There's nothing to brag or to be ashamed of --- I go to this money sucking dead end university --- that most people believe as a GOOD SCHOOL. I can't blame my life that I am well off to go to that dorky rich school. But he has no right to call me a fake. Like he didn't even know what he was talking about. It affected me so much. I can't explain it. Of course I had to make him take back all that he said. Which lead to alot of profane language and a lot of violence -- that almost got both of us kicked. I guess I got carried away, but still he had no right to do that. HA a taste of my own medicine. The very reason why I ate most of the words that I said that night. I have no ambition to pursue this career --- bantering on people like some old hag who can't get laid. I am beyond that peripheral VISION. I am a good person. I am better than that. So a lesson learned --- don't be a big bully. Some people can't get a life, WHY BLAME THEM

And so I give my life meaning
Its not that I hate Tuesdays, but there's something with Tuesdays that makes me twitch a little. Mondays will always be that crampy traffic day --- wherein all the people try to cling to their past senseless weekends, regreting every single moment they've spent lying indoors watching TV. But Tuesdays will be that dreaded no excuse day, you have to get up early for whatever that reason is. It's that defenseless day wherein you start your boring routine --- called LIFE. And before you know it both WEDNESDAY and THURSDAY will just pass by --- like a very long dry spell. Senseless rant on an idle Tuesday morning. God help me.

Today's LOWLIGHTS

I did a lot of commuting --- thanks to MR. KISH who i think just plans to pirate our butterfly chair

LUK YUEN'S steamed shrimp --- tastes like baby crap (dont get the picture)

Today's HIGHLIGHTS

I went to my very first cycle meeting ---- whatever that is

clinically depressed: it's all in the head
It's positive, i've been diagnosed with clinical depression. I went to 3 sites who i think are reliable enough to know the syptoms of this dreaded disease. no wonder i was having a hard time recalling stuff, or doing usual stuff, or getting the right amount of sleep.

Marriage in chains
Dreams are suppose to be weird. But are they suppose to look and feel like the real thing? I had another unusual dream last night. I can't remember most of it. It was a jumble of different images, of different stories, of different characters, like any dream would be. First I was hidding in some room --- that looked like a big walk in closet --- I was hidding my face in some big flesh or cream long sleeved guys polo. Then I was transported to some hotel lobby wherein I was about to get married to some guy. Our hands were cuffed to each other (i have no idea what that meant). Then we were underneath some flyover or some highway, we're just standing there. Then I saw my mom (she was babbling something i can't remember) I think she was asking me about some KFC reception thing. Then I asked my husband to be if we could talk somewhere private (it felt as if i was about to break our wedding). Then we were transported to some grassy meadowy place where the sky was blue (I think our cuffs were gone) then I asked him to come closer cause I'll whisper something. At first he hesitated cause he thought I was about to call off our wedding. Then I think i just kissed him (i can't remember if i said something before i kissed him). Ah i think I told him this before I kissed him "This is what i'm going to miss". Yeah that's it cause I told him to postpone our wedding for no reason (i think). The weird part about this dream was the kissing part (It fucking felt real... I could still feel the tiny unshaved hair on his face, his lips and his eyes staring back at him --- and I know I saw him in real life. I knew he looked kindda familiar. And there were butterflies in my tummy. So it all felt so real.) But then I had to wake up. I wasn't able to hear or know what he was about to say. Damn! And weird part someone texted me the very momment I woke up at around 3:40am! Freaky. And guess who it was???? It totally freaked meout. Imagine it was my ex. Wow. Is there some kind of message here?

I've been ravin about Pink's Don't Let Me Get Me (the song is so me)

I never win 1st place
I don't support the team
I can't take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
'Cause I can't do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can't take the person staring back at me

I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

LA told me
You'll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty
That just ain't me

So doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else

Friday's Rants

Mr. Kish --- was a bane. Our very first corporate account made us wait for like 3 hours in their lounge just to find out that the meeting was cancelled.
- CELINE --- my L'Oreal officemate (wow i like the sound of that) made me look like some lost puppy in MATI --- a place i don't recommend to eat in --- they're a bunch of crappy eating hoes.
- I wasn't able to go to work
- I had to pay for Celine's bathing suit
- I wasn't able to attend my cardio boxing class
- I am having trouble with someone --- or am just paranoid --- this too must end. and everything else that was --- we can't take back
- I am bankrupt

Friday's Raves
- I went driving without a license (the nerve)
- I went home early (i get to watch reruns!)
- I didn't go to work
- I went to the PIER with ron and amy
- I bought myself an Ice Age DVD
- Ron gave me a free lift to Rockwell (thanks rOn!)

My so called summer job is not what I expected it to be. It's beginning to look like some big university death camp. That I can't even find enough time to blog. I wake up at 6:30am, I arrive at work at 9:00am, I go home at 6:00pm, I arrive home at 9:00pm, I get to sleep for like 3 hours, and I do all of this crappy routine all over again. Not to mention I waste about 150 bucks for my fare or gas. Do I care, that for the whole week of my entire summer would be spend on this successful venture of knowing what to do with my life. To think I took this job for the selfish reason that I would still get my allowance --- and totally not some soul searching. not to mention the brevity of how city air slowly kills me in the process.

You don't see me
Is true love just once in a lifetime? Ha I guess I could never tell… I’ve never been in love. Or have I? What is being in love anyway? I think it’s just some silly state --- some out of this world desire for someone like us but better. Someone who could read our mind, someone who could touch or heart, someone who could move our soul, or painstakingly kill us. My life had been a series of falling in and out of love then if you put it at that definition. I keep on fighting battles with myself I got no clue where the rest of the 20 years of my life had been. I was trying so much to be someone else --- someone half as me --- someone better, someone who could read my mind, someone who could touch my heart, someone who could move me. I’ve been losing battle since --- still I keep fighting it. Will it end --- will I win in the end? I don’t know.

A world in a balloon.
Everything is all around.
When I reach the sky, it will all be over.
It will be over.


As I look back in the 20 conscious years I’ve walked this earth, I’ve been in a struggle, in a battle, in a storm, in a mess with my so called life. Now I pause to think whether I should continue the life I’ve been living. The bittersweet melody of pain and superficial glory life feeds me. Will it ever be anything more? Is there really a life out of misery that would last me my lifetime --- not some 5-minute orgasm that we so much replace with. Is there really something out there for each one of us? Or we are all standing on the ledge --- and we are just thinking of jumping. And it ends us with nothing. Am I another wasted dream?


How will you know it’s over

Monday's Rants

We had to do a study on some WINDOW DISPLAY that's basically not yet finished

I had to comute --- like i'm not used to it

I can't go to the gym

Monday's Raves

We ate at HELLO KITTY cafe --- nice food

Carol dropped me off at G4

Weekend's Rants

I had a huge hang-over last friday

I drove drunk

I had to work on weekends

I can't drive --- my license expired

Weekend's Raves

I'm a DEAN'S LISTER! finally after ten long years

I saw Scorpion King ---- it was a lame macho movie

I went to the beach --- Although i didn't get a tan

I had a mini party with my close friends --- GEL, DEE-ANN, CONS, MARIKA, and CHABS

A crash course on being sane
I started my so called work last April 16. At first it felt weird --- cause I was just a little kid, lost in an unknown universe of makeup and coffee, of bosses and supervisors. But I had a sudden change of heart the minute I heard about the money we'll be getting. I know that we won't get that much since it's just a summer job. But I know it won't be so low either. So the minute Carol told me that we'll be getting 40000 bucks man that's something. I almost fell of my seat --- I was having my hair done by Geoff at that time. It really blew me off. I was this lost kid who gets paid to play along.

Thursday's Rants

A long line at the TANGO fitting room

I was so wasted

I wasn't able to finish my workout

I have no car

I almost ran out of money

Some old lady blew me off

Thursday's Raves

Ate at MATI --- nice expensive food

Went shopping --- bought new pair of LEVI's

Went out with my old friends --- the gorky high school bunch

Met a lot of celebrities - including COGIE DOMINGO, who's getting shorty every time i see him

Wednesday's Rants

New Hair do

no money

no car

Food at Back to Basics sucks

Wednesday's Raves

I was a model for a day

Field work --- went malling

Bought new shoes

Had a mini reunion with my High school friends

Geof Simpson did my hair --- it's worth 6000 bucks man! and its all pro bono

whaaaaaaaaah... I had this great opportunity to have a big birthday bash for just like a couple of gran, let's say 3000. but i don't feel like celebrating, WTF is wrong with me anyway.

Tuesday's RANTS and RAVES
- Today was my first day at L'Oreal --- my very first REAL MONEY PAYING JOB!
- Met a lot of people.
- I learned that work shouldn’t be brought home --- and work must be done only at the work place.
- I learned that working is not easy --- especially if your new.
- I found out that James was working for microsoft at the next floor --- yey I can hitch a ride home.
- I wont be able to watch my fave shows because I’ll be working 8 hours a week.
- I’ll be doing tons of work in a small span of time.
- I wont be able to do the BLOWUP pics angelique asked me to --- another opportunity in the trash
- The traffic in EDSA during rush hour was HELL
- I saw Paula Lagos at Glorietta Car Park--- she looked the same
- I’ll get my hair done tom. Yey!
- So far --- life is good. I hope it will stay that way.

Why is it so hard to move?

"Still Fighting It"

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95
It's okay, you don't have to pay
I've got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try and one day you'll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird

It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
Tt hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it

And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

I just had another dose of toxic insomia. Where in you get to sleep for about an hour then you wake up for no good reason.