"am gonna figure out what's mine, and keep it close to me"

back to zero
after ten years i went to the gym again. alot has changed. my gym buddies bodies evolved. me on the other hand gained 3 more pounds out of the food fest i just had. to think i just go to the gym once a month. so am back to scratch. back to the cardio what so fucking routine. i need to concentrate. i need to put myself into it. am such a lazy weezer. haha. well i don't care. as long as am happy with my socalled life. that's what matters most. i think.

who sucked out the feeling

Strangest dream yet
I guess dreams are meant to be strange. And what am about to narrate is probably not chronologicaly in order and complete. I was in some sort of war game. where in i have to shoot down some sort of creature that I can't remember. It was set in some old forrest with high brick and black pointy steel fence on the sides. So i kindda climbed up the high brick and black pointy steel fence to reload amo. R, jay (not their real names) kindda saw me up in the fence having trouble. The creature was up in the air. i hurried down with the new reloaded black crossbow and shoot it down before it even got its weapon out. after i killed the weird creature i was down in the grass and the press was all over me. i don't remember if this was the part where jay hugged me tight or it was a few scenes back. then the scenario changed to some strong debate somewhere. but funny thing jay was there with his brother, they were making up because of a previous fight. i was kindda touched by the effort of jay (he's my love interest in the dream, he is sort of my ex in the dream or some sort of love from the past). so after the debate i kindda touched him in the back and he kindda gave me the look. that surprised "what now" look. then the scenario changes i guess this is the part where we hugged for a long time. and he asked whether if its ok if we go to the azotea in front of us. i said "how do we get up the azotea?". his brother suddenly pointed the stairs that appeared out of nowhere. then we were up the azotea, and a sort of big picnic table welcomed us all. when we seated jay and i kindda hold hands (i think). then out of nowhere jay opened some bottle in front of us that says "this dies when it dies opened" (pretty weird). then some pestiside guy appeared along with him a girl that told us to back of because the guy's gonna spray some sort of bottle pestiside. so we backed off. the pestiside smelled sweet. then out of nowhere people was swarmed all over the grassy azotea like some sort of ribbon cutting event was up. there i saw my two blockmates, re and libs they both asked whether i was back together with jay. i answered NO. then scenario changed to some old london arcade. i was a photographer and rol showed me a pic that her boyfriend took. so i have this hightech big cam that is not the conventional at that era. that the flash in my cam only goes on in the dark. the bricky sunny atmosphere didn't help so i asked for a blanket. i kindda asked it thrice before some guy hand me one. (well not some ordinary guy, it was BAMBOO, the one who got away). then there's this missing link. i was suppose to give my yebayeba friends gifts from my trip from Hong Kong. So i thought of handing them each a bag of eclair candies and a box of japanese oreos. kindda weird i thought this part was real. but it was all just a dream. strange? amusing could be? but i was wondering why i was calling jay's name when i woke up. hmmmm was i dreaming still?

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Siberia around the year 1400.
Your profession was that of a handicraftsman or mechanic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
You always liked to travel and to investigate. You could have been a detective or a spy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is the development and expansion of your mental consciousness. Find a good teacher and spend a good part of your time and energy on learning from his wisdom.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

now am bored again. look at what am doin am taking pathetic tests


Which Angelina Are You?

I just had the best 4 days of my life wishing and hoping more will come. I arrived yesterday from a mini vacation in Hong Kong.

Life is getting weirder everyday. This is on a positive note, I guess and I hope. Like why is it so easy for someone to become famous nowadays? Is it a new culture brewing? Or I've just been in a long hibernation? There's this cult dude, who started a religion. By putting a website to see his progress in terms of finding a date. Finding love in the city of roses. Pathetic, lame, boring... hmmm creative could be one. But who cares what brand it suggest. Being famous now a days is just some excuse. Besides the fame, power, money and whatsoever. Some excuse to always remain available for public ridicule or discussion. In that sense would i still be interested to be famous? I guess I'd rather stay behind the curtains and see what happens in this mad world.

Starting today am not gonna use the real names of the people that I interact with and are involved in my meandering life experiences. I respect their privacy as I want them to respect mine.

I am totally pissed of and am about to break. I don't want to accept why or how. And I don't what some gibberish explanation for it. I just want to feel this draging sensation. Hoping it doesn't last the whole day, or the week, or forever. It's so sad to think that people suck sometimes, that they're a bunch of congenital serial killers. If they don't kill you physically, they won't stop there. You're very essense is slowly shreded down to the tiniest bit. Who do we blame? It's our simple salvation. But in the end it doesn't really matter

June 16, 2002
June is the so-called birthday month; almost 60% of my so-called friends are celebrating their birthdays on this month. One main reason why I went out for 2 consecutive nights this week. I don’t want to call it some party all night thing, cause I go home unusually early than I used to. Indicating that am getting older every year. On the first night I went out with my high school friends. It was a spur of the moment gimmick. Supposedly we’ll just drop by Ortigas for some membership thingy. Sox has been raving on it for like forever. But we end up forcing Beans to treat us for her birthday at Dencio's. On the second night I went out with my college blockmates. We con-celebrated H, A, Car, T and Z's birthday. It was held at Gerry's Grill in Jupiter. It was nice, some sort of reunion cause JC was there with his new girlfriend. And some of our ACM block. After the dinner, we went to Geenlanes to play bowling and billards.

June 13, 2002
Dreaming I was Dreaming.I had another weird dream. There was this school that I go to that’s on some sort of snow mountain. And one day there was this sort of skiing contest wherein I joined. So we were skiing when the ground suddenly trembled and a big snow ball from the sides came sliding. So we had to stop and get out of its way. It was weird cause I tapped some guy and asked what was happening. And the guy looked like J. In a split second everything changed, next thing I know it I was in some sort of cabin (it was my house). My family was there they were all preparing dinner. I even have a grandma. Anyways everything happened so fast so I don’t remembered most of it. All I know I changed to my jimmies and went to sleep. Kindda weird cause I dreamed I was dreaming another thing? So I lay there in my bed and I was dreaming that I was some sort of detective. Where in there was this case I had to solve, some rape case, before some other guy detective cracks it. Then all of a sudden I woke up, I woke up in the real world not in my dream dream.

Opening the closet door a little wider
I'm on my usual surf the net cause I've got no money I'd rather stay at home kind of day, reading my not so long list of blogs and checking my sales status on bidshot when I stubbled upon the humble realms of another monumental blogger (or so that's what I thought or some nonexistent bloggers like me waiting to be heard). I think am starting the wrong religion --- with a bunch of bloggers who needs self affirmation that they are good writers? But blogging isn't about writing per se, but rather a religion --- you just have it in you (and I need not to further explain this). So there was this interesting site I tumbled into called The obvious.

I've been playing Superdrag's In the valley of dying stars album for like forever. It has this happy go go tune. And its lyrics just sinked right through me. Thanks again to my friend gian who always been there to update me on the what so happenins of the music world

It was Independence Day yesterday. I hardy felt it... (well besides the no class hope there's no traffic lets go to the mall kind of holiday) am I starting to become apathetic loser who selfishly thinks nothing more than to beautify my so typical life? No, am just starting to wonder if my country's ever getting somewhere. If there are like a million like me, then what's the world comming into. Nationalism is dying, is it my fault? Partly, yes, partly no. I was born to love and hate my country. I was a revolution baby, the days where the brink of martial law and people power. Ha now that's a first. Back to the nationalism issue, will it ever come back to me? Hmmmm not that I hate (such an intense word) my country, with all its beauty, all its easily manipulated stupid people, and all its free cheap class A imitation wonders --- all I wanted was a clean, safe system in all the systems ---- Political, Economical, Religious, Social and Cultural. It's all full of crap at the moment, and I digust whats happenin. The worse part the government can't do anything about it. So I guess sucked out is the far better term.

I had another long dragging weekend. I extended my 2 day vacation to 3, intentionally cutting my one and only Monday religion class. In the span of 3 weeks I've only attended 3 1/2 times out of my should be 7 classes. It's just religion, I've got a lot of other things to do. Not to mention, the religion professor, is some dilluted 50 something old maid, who hates the world and makes anyone at a 6 feet radius suffer. I can blame her, that's life for her. And this is life for me, a long weekend of watching TV, going to the mall, getting on with my readings, watching movies, and sleeping 12 hours more. Life gets sweeter everyday.

and I open my eyes once more, waking, remembering that I am powerful, that I am all-knowing, that I am who I am... I was surfing the net, serching for some old articles on music genre, when I came across a very moving article by some music nazi It has its quirks and whamsies, but the bottomline is it kindda slapped me in a face, in a positive way, it woke me up. There are a lot of things out there that I need to understand and explore. I've been sleeping all this time and wasting every single moment of it selflessly snobing the wonders of this world.

"Harmony is the exception, and that's the only reason why it is surrounded by an attractive aura of meaningfulness. If it were the rule, one would have to break it in order to enliven the inferno of sound with wonderful dissonance. Music moves us simply because it is a potential and not a positive phenomenon, and tonality interests us because it clears the wilderness, not because musical notes have reigned supreme for a thousand years. Chords move us because they ease our suffering, not because of the rules of musical harmony. The world is not sound but space for its potential. It is no symphony, but a noisy nightmare which has reason to remind itself that out of the maelstrom of noise a vision of resounding order can rise." Peter Sloterdijk

My PC died a few days ago --- hauling with it a bunch of my fantacies, dreams, wishes, and a some crap I just can't bear to get rid of. Now am back again blogging nonsense, almost caring, almost frantic, always dreaming, always hoping that someday I'll get there. Wherever that is...

Am losing it. I’m in this big hole right now that I don’t know how to get out of. Lost, could be. But I think what’s happening to me is partly my fault. This is not another case of self -depression, but a serious case of guilt struck, non-sleepyness, self-pity that I better get rid of. But where do I start? I have this gazillion I think am just paranoid problems, all of which is affecting my so-called circle of friends.

There’s the AL – now that I told you my true intentions do you still want to be friends? You said yes, so how come you’re not returning any of my calls CASE.
There’s the TOY – I didn’t mean to hurt you so get over it, it’s done it’s over, my intentions were crystal how come you still don’t get it? CASE.
There’s the CEL – I don’t know if I did anything wrong, or if there’s something or whatever that I did to upset you. I have no intentions of harassing your boyfriend CASE.
There’s the My dysfunctional family – If you have nothing better to say to me just keep it to yourself, am doing my best to live my stressful life CASE.
There’s the Graduation – I still don’t know what to do with my life after graduation CASE.
There’s the GYM – I used up all my money for you, I have no time for you CASE.
There’s the friend factor – I don’t know who my real friends are, I don’t know who to run to, Is there anybody out there? CASE.

So where should I start? It’s all messed up, gonna break it down? These are the moments that you wish you were strong. Like you could make it all go away. Well, it doesn’t even matter anymore if I am alive. I feel so fucking dead already. I need to know who my true friends are, I need to talk to someone, I need to scream, I need to jump up and down, I need to cry even if no tears are falling, I need to shrug it all of, I need to understand, I need to eat, I need to sleep but am still awake, I need stop drowning, I need a hand, I need to start laughing, I need to stay alive, or maybe just maybe all I need is a FRIEND. Right now!